So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
