You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
