I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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