who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
