This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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