yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
