I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
