you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
