He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
