He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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