Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
