I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
