It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
