I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
