I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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