What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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