I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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