My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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