Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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