I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
