Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize