To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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