apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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