Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
