Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
