Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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