I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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