Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
