Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
