I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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