my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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