Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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