Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
