They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize