Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
