so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
