I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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