i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
