I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
