She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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