i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
