peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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