There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
