No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
