I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It's blow job season.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
