the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
