You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
