Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
