The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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