Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
