Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
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