Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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