I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize