There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
