Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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