The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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